Dealing with death and the
sting it leaves after losing a loved one can be devastating. Often it takes us
to a dark place, a sink hole of no return. It disrupts our lives and the normal
patterns in which we lived. I have dealt with grief seems like on every level
of my life, the loss of grandparents, son, parents, siblings and the love of my
life my husband of twenty-one years. Each loss was different it affected me in
so many ways. With my parents and grandparents each one had lived an enriched
life and had longevity, it was a struggle because were a tightly knitted unit giving
unconditional love no matter what, I learned to grieve and adjust and move
forward. With my son it took me to a dark place of grief where I was on the verge
of becoming a hermit, no bath, no food, no talking, forgetting that I yet had
other children to think about it was only by the grace of God and counseling
that I was able to find some normalcy
again. It has been years and I still have flash backs of my son; his
death is etched into my memory.
The death of my husband Frank of twenty-one years broke me as a wife
and as a woman, I was vulnerable, stressed my eating habits and sleeping
patterns changed, I lost weight nothing was normal anymore, I realized that I
was a widow, I was no longer a wife, I had lost my best friend and protector,
my lover my ride or die until the wheels fall off then get out and push partner
in everything. I did not know how to cope with his loss. Loneliness set in, and
I started to close myself up in a bedroom where every memory of him lingered. The
sadness and anger kicked in, I felt so guilty because I was angry at him for
leaving me to deal with life alone after twenty-one years of literally doing
everything together, we worked side by side because we ran our own business
from home. Losing him I found myself disappearing from life, I began to think
about the relationship we had built, that developed into friendship, then
romance then a lifetime of love. I felt mentally disabled. I finally realized
that I wore grave clothes, his grave clothes, I had might as well had them to
lower me into the finial resting place along with him. I had to get a grip, a
grip on myself. I had become dead to life, to living, to thriving physically
and mentally.
I had to take off the grave
clothes, I had to reemerge, I wanted to live. I had to go to the word of God to
live again. I had to use John 11:44 The dead man came out, his hands and feet
wrapped with strips of linen, and a cloth around his face. Jesus said to them.”
Take off the grave clothes and let him go” (NIV). That is when I realized that
God never intended me to die with him, but to continue to live with him in my
memories and in my heart. Reemerging was so very painful because I had to understand
the path of a surviving spouse. I had to acknowledge the reality of my loss,
Frank would not have wanted me to ball up and give up on life. I finally
realized that he would always be a part of who I am. I had to reemerge to a
newness, a new normal, a new way of living life. I began to explore my new
emergence, freedom to have a different mindset of things I always wanted to do.
Reemerging meant that I had to think of myself as a caterpillar emerging from
its cocoon to turn into this beautiful butterfly. That my cocoon was my place of rebirth my
place of renewal, the place that God would do something different in my life
with new directions, because He loosed me from my grave clothes I was not meant
to wear them. Reemerging increased my faith because I had to double up on
depending on God for every aspect of my life.
I had to lean on Gods word
“For your maker is your husband, the Lord almighty is his name the Holy one of
Israel is redeemer; he is called God of all the earth.(Isaiah 54:5) His word is
true and will never come back void, so in the earthly realm Frank supplied
everything I needed as my earthly husband, and God would supply ALL I needed as
my husband in the spiritual realms. In my reemergence I could no longer let
people decide when I get to grieve my way, to no longer feel guilty because I did
not go to the cemetery so soon after the burial. Or that I started packing up
and giving away his things to those whom I know he would have wanted them to
have it. My reemergence meant that it was okay for me to say I am doing well,
that I do not have to be shrouded in black and my facial expressions with the
woe is me look. Reemerging meant that I could learn to function as a widow,
that it was okay to smile and laugh and dance without felling guilty because to
others I was not grieving long enough. Reemerging meant that as that new
butterfly that I could soar, and flutter and sip nectar from the array of
flowers God created, it meant that my wings were still brilliant with color.
Reemerging meant that I was no longer in concealment, that I could come forth
and arise that I could once again come into existence.
So if you are grieving it’s
okay to take off the grave clothes, it is okay to reemerge and reinvent your
new way of living, its okay for you to make the final decision when you stop
grieving, it is okay to get out and live, God says “ Dear friend, I pray that
you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul
is getting along well. 3 John 1:2 (NIV). Take a Deep Breath and REEMERGE from
your death shroud.
Pastor Sadie Chayil Collier@Copyright2020HummingBirdPublishing
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